She wasn't planned but I only ever had one solid ambition and that was to have a child.
When I imagined my future children I will admit I had visions of a beautiful wedding that preceeded the pregnancy but we can't have everything! My logic was that if I decided not to have this child I may be punished later in life with infertility. Now that I am with a new partner and trying for a second child that logic really resonates.
I am into my 3rd month of trying and I'm growing increasingly concerned that it may not happen for me a second time. I've told myself (and my partner) that Ella is enough, I don't NEED a second.. worst comes to worst we will adopt. I mean, that's the same right?
Only now it's really hitting me... If this doesn't happen for me that's a huge thing I have to come to terms with, I will never have that magical experience I dreamt of...a pregnancy with a man who loved me and is as excited about the baby as I am. My fiance has no children of his own and I would love nothing more than to give him a child of his own, a child we can share, I feel like it would cement our little family and I've never wanted Ella to be an only child.
Before we started trying I was planning multiple children... now I would be happy with just one more... JUST ONE... is it that much to ask?
I watched a video this evening where a woman found out she was pregnant, she was nervous and it was unplanned but I was so overwhelmingly happy for her. How could anyone be upset to have a baby? It's what I want now more than anything. After watching I was compelled to take a test.. I am not due for 2 more days and have no symptoms so the chances I am pregnant are very slim, this being said I convinced myself I saw a second line... a VERY VERY VERY faint (some would say invisible) line! If you want something bad enough can you will it to happen?
In two days time I may know either way but if it is a negative I just can't give up hope, not yet!
Until I AM pregnant I will keep you all updated on how I'm going and what different things I am trying but I hope for my sanity it's not much longer and more than anything that it's not impossible.
Wish Me Luck
xoxo
Miss BB
Good Luck Hun, You deserve it so much, When i watch your videos, the way you involve your daughter and "have a real life" touches me. Some of the other youtube gurus just do their make up and everything, but I really like you because you seem the most Real person to me, Good luck hun and i hope it all works out.! Just think of it like this, you still have a lot of time, its not like your hitting menopause so dont worry about it. Just keep on trying x
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