She wasn't planned but I only ever had one solid ambition and that was to have a child.
When I imagined my future children I will admit I had visions of a beautiful wedding that preceeded the pregnancy but we can't have everything! My logic was that if I decided not to have this child I may be punished later in life with infertility. Now that I am with a new partner and trying for a second child that logic really resonates.
I am into my 3rd month of trying and I'm growing increasingly concerned that it may not happen for me a second time. I've told myself (and my partner) that Ella is enough, I don't NEED a second.. worst comes to worst we will adopt. I mean, that's the same right?
Only now it's really hitting me... If this doesn't happen for me that's a huge thing I have to come to terms with, I will never have that magical experience I dreamt of...a pregnancy with a man who loved me and is as excited about the baby as I am. My fiance has no children of his own and I would love nothing more than to give him a child of his own, a child we can share, I feel like it would cement our little family and I've never wanted Ella to be an only child.
Before we started trying I was planning multiple children... now I would be happy with just one more... JUST ONE... is it that much to ask?
I watched a video this evening where a woman found out she was pregnant, she was nervous and it was unplanned but I was so overwhelmingly happy for her. How could anyone be upset to have a baby? It's what I want now more than anything. After watching I was compelled to take a test.. I am not due for 2 more days and have no symptoms so the chances I am pregnant are very slim, this being said I convinced myself I saw a second line... a VERY VERY VERY faint (some would say invisible) line! If you want something bad enough can you will it to happen?
In two days time I may know either way but if it is a negative I just can't give up hope, not yet!
Until I AM pregnant I will keep you all updated on how I'm going and what different things I am trying but I hope for my sanity it's not much longer and more than anything that it's not impossible.
Wish Me Luck